How are you?

It has been stormy recently.

Sitting at the flat that I once shared with you, I watch the rain falls on the window, making a quick "shash" sound. "How are you?", I would like to ask, as I once used to. Yet, there is no answer.

Looking at the postcards we put togehter, the desk you setted for my home office and for yours, the weekly vegitable deliveries, the memories of you feels surreal. We were once so happy. I only realise how much I love you when I left you, or when you left me. The pain of being ignored by loved ones is unbearable. 

I felt like a dog, always trying to do the best for my owner who had liked me and played with me. All these were one day no longer appreciated, I was moved to the backyard out of blue. Not knowing why, my body gets tense, heart beats irregularly and hands shake voluntarily while waiting for you, my owner, my only lover. Hey, I am here! I have been waiting for your attention, waiting for you to come near, waiting for you to bring me back in, waiting for your soft voice, waiting for your touch and tenderness. I tried to run, run to you, even though I have been kicked back several times. I could only see you from a distance, yet I long for your glance, even if it has to be behind many others. "I AM HERE", I tried to raise my voice in the hope that you would give me the slightest attention. Yet, those were not reciprocated.

Seeing you getting closer to others, listening to your conversations about us, the old version of us, I blamed myself. I was told to behave, to not voice. What did i do wrong? What could I do more? What have I not tried? Was I not being understanding? DId I not notice your needs? or i deserve love from anyone but you?

We stand at the oppposite extremes of a scale. Actually, I felt better during this tough time. It's quiet. There's only us, no other girlfriends, other important meetings with friends; no mixed-up schedules. I had you by my side. However, it turned out to be a horrible experience for you, as you mentioned it in the first session. "How could I not notice?", I asked myself. When did all these started? Turning a blind eye to stuff that you care and turning our backs to each other. "How could I not see that?", I tried to analyse. I will never get the answers since you don't talk to me anymore. 

Looking at the seat you used to sit on, the dest you used for work, your belongings that you did not manage to take with, the whole place that we shared a story with, my heart sinks. Memory weighs. I wish I had the ability to forget, just like you, and selectively keep those good ones. I wish we can talk one day. I wish we can meet one day. I wish we can be friends one day. I wish you are happy. I wish you find someone that makes you happy. I wish you live your life fully. 

Thank you very much for everything. I love you but I have to let you go. Blame me, if this ease your pain.

Summer will be here soon. Let the warmth of the sun comfort you because I can not do it anymore.