Yes, you were right! I should have done it a long time ago.

Lucia, I am speechless!

Remember that I complained a lot whenever I receive a message from that person. You told me timelessly to ignore and block Y becuase it takes us nowhere.

I insisted not to because I felt like it's not the right way to do it.  Yet, I don't have the gut to make things clear. I thought I'd try to brush Y off. 

However, this time, I felt like it's too much! It was to a point where I didn't want to receive any message any more. You said that again, "If you think that Y "bothers"you, then block Y. You live in two different worlds! No matter how many times you complain, I will tell you the same." That's so bloody true!

Consequently, I messaged Y saying we have to talk. I wrote Y a long message telling how I feel and what hurts, trying to make things as clear as possible and draw a line, the line of my life which I'd like to protect. I don't really care if Y replies, I just want Y to understand it. Well, yeah, Y did reply, a long message as well, including some complaints, defence, and sorry. "Yes, you should have done this a long time ago! Thank you!", he wrote. 

I was kind of happy to see that Y looked like understood what I tried hard to say. Unexpectedly, when I tried to send my text again, it bounced back. A window poped up:

The person is not receiving messages at this time.

WOW! Y blocked me!!! I am partly amused and partly vexed. Okay, problem solved, not in the way I had thought it would be though. But, hey, it is Y's decision and I respect that. 

No wonder everyone told me that do not contact those people from the past, "you are giving them hopes!" "Don't be ridiculous!", as I always answered. Now I know. I don't have the feeling at all does not mean that it would be mutual. Such a realization. I can't agree more with you, Lucia. I should have done this a long time ago. Not only for my own good, but also for Y's.

Finally, I just want to say: Bro, I listened to your nonsense and bullsh*t when I tried everything I could to survive in this wild world. You blocked me because I eventually told you the truth. Obviously, we are like parallel lines. Thank you very much for everything you brought in my life. Wish you a wonderful life ahead. If the lines cross one day, hope there are patience, kindness and negerosity for the strangers.

Lin

Things happened one after another. Perhaps it is time to empty the full bottle of dramas in my mind. 

I tried and have known certainly that I would never be able to get along well with her, so called Lin. We have spent quite an amount of time together in both the lab and in leisure time, though I tried to keep some distance from her. If you ask what exactly happened between us, I could not say it clearly out loud. All I can remember are those trivia of her everyday life and the constant voice from deep in my mind haunting "run".

It has come to another step forward. All these days, I have had the feeling that I was the only one who knows the other side of her face in our community and I would have to fight against the passive-aggresive behaviour alone. I was wrong, which makes me feel so much better now. Not because of that I have people on my side, but rather that I did see myself and herself correctly.

Due to the overlap of our training, I spent most of the time working with her than the others, which made me a vulnerable prey of her manipulative games. I had known instinctively that she is dangerous. However, my escape were only partially successful. Listening to her talking about the bad of others and the good about herself were just a part of the routine, and, undoubtedly, she did also talked about me to the others. I was still being myself despite of the offence. Being defensive is not my thing and I believe that time will let others picture the situation better.

Since she met her boyfriend, the whole situation changed. She talked more about the guy and the joy of them being together than the mostly imaginary negative thoughts, which made me a bit relieved. In return, I gave her nice response to those bluff and show-off. If paying her with extra attention would win me a smile back, I would do so. Life is hard enough. Why would anyone like to be the stepstone you trampled all over while sneering? 

One day, I talked with a colleague while walking to the tram stop as usual. She turned to me seriously and said, "I would like to ask you a question. Well, I don't know if I supposed to but it is about someone." Then she told me the story about Lin complaining to everyone about her grade, comparing hers to mine and telling how unfair it is. I sighed and answered, "well, when she made the comment for the first time, I was there! I mean, I was there using my computer and pretended that I wasn't listening. What should I say?! And to be fair, what could I say?!" Eventually, we both agreed that to ignore her comments and try to keep distance from her will be the best idea. 

No later than a week, I met up with a mutual friend. The first thing she mentioned was, "Lin made many comments about my date which made me so mad. As a good friend, I told her about his considerate and sweet moments but she replied badly and said her boyfriend doesn't do that. I guess she is jealous. I don't know a person who can be so nice and bad at the same time. I tried to tell her that it hurts then she became defensive. Well, what has done can't be changed. I am tired. Oh, btw, don't tell her that we meet up today. Otherwise, she would question "why didn't you invite me"! ".

A coin has only two sides, but a person can have multiple faces. Throwing flowery words to make people feel bad simply did not work on me becuase I don't care about her. I guess she did not get her part of fun keep doing so. Her intent to extinguish the fire of love of the friend by giving adverse comments just backfired. Now that I recall all the difficulties she trapped me in, the darkness on the way out no longer terrifies me...well...mostly. I have no interests in receiving the negative vibe. I am sorry but SHE has to get her sh*t together. 

My nearly two weeks of peace was killed today by seeing her in the office talking... Please don't ask where my heavy heart sank...

電影

我始終無法忘記初到德國的那份感覺。我是到了一部沒有字幕的電影裡面，畫面裡充滿著
歷史性的建築和中世紀的市容，又總是些不熟悉的臉孔在街上走著，人們以聽不懂的語言喧嘩著。我試著聆聽，希望在那字句間捕捉點什麼。啊！他們正在道別。啊！他們正要去著某個地方。

兩年過去了，我還是住在電影裡。不過畫面裡的建築多了名字，街上的臉孔由不熟悉轉為不認識，而應屬字幕的區域不再空白。從聽懂一個字到聽懂對話的其中一句，這是值得開心的吧！

如果說在台灣的生活，扣掉因為閃神、不專心或有意識地忽略，我每天所接收且理解的外來刺激為95％。那麼相比之下，初來到的我可能是20%（已經是加上以英文溝通的部分），現在可能接近50%吧！但我心中清楚的是，在這條線上，從零到一百的距離不是平穩的直線，而是往上直衝的等比級數曲線，我必須要花更大的努力才能前進那百分之一。

已經在這裡三年的朋友說：「我好像是踏在這片土地上，卻又不是。」這種既熟悉又陌生的感覺，我想不是三五年可以改變的吧！

驗貨

最近這一個月因為寫論文的關係，我閱讀了大量的文章，不愛寫作的我也被迫著坐在電腦前面工作。我心底知道這並不是我喜歡的生活形式，卻也不得不承認這可能是我來到德國之後做最多省思及收穫最多的時刻。我沈澱下來把我的工作內容集結成字，腦海中沈澱許久的想法卻不斷的湧出，這是該來說故事的時刻了。

關於試（驗）貨，那是一個很開心的起點。從一部帥哥的影片出發，我們討論了長久以來被我們有意無意忽略，現在卻發現未來可能不得不面對的點，性觀念。

我因為好奇，嘗試著去了解，現在也漸漸同意了在這裡遇到的多數女性的看法。

性對很多男性來說，是一種生物本能。就是因為是動物本能，所以女性是無法避免這件事情的，不管你自己有沒有想要。在我所成長的東方社會裡，伴侶間比較普遍有性行為的大概是日本吧（我猜啦，這個需要查證）。可是目前的日本社會，大男人主義當道，女生的想法比較接近是，因為男生有需求，我就提供。在這樣的情況下，女生是比較被動、配合的一方。

反觀西方女性，那是一種完全不同的概念。他們把性也當成生活中的重要元素之一，無論他們自身的需求或是對於性價值看重是否就是比東方的強烈。我認為在他們的想法中，他們知道在婚姻（或生活中）這是無法避免的，當下的拒絕雖然有效卻不為長久之計，所以要享受它。就是因為在日後的生活裡有非常多性的元素，所以你的伴侶格外重要，他可以舒服地取悅女性，也可以只是把女性當工具。

There is only a fine line between pleasure and pain。這句話很恰當的形容大部分性交的過程女性一方所承擔的。我並不是說女性就是處於弱勢或被動，而是因為在過程中，移動的一方帶有比較大的控制權，而生物的構造讓大多數的男性比女性具備更多的肌肉和更長的肌耐力。所以儘管女方移動的也不少，還是有男方移動的時候。當男方並不是太厲害時，可能只是不舒服而已（no pleasure），但當男生帶著租魯無理的態度時，那痛會明顯得多（more pain）。想像自己挖鼻孔，和別人拿東西瘋狂摩擦你的鼻孔，如果那個人沒有經過適當的練習或控制不好，你的鼻孔很容易破皮流血，然後你幹聲連連。

所以說，當結婚證書本身帶有賣“身”契約的本質，那麼女生怎麼能不先了解另一半的能力（我不是說要很好，而是遇到不好的時要走開）？這個想法就像很多早期台灣人說的，結婚之前要找親戚朋友把男方灌醉，看他喝醉後會不會做出踰矩之行、甚至家暴之類的，類似道理吧！

所以我同意驗貨的價值，但實際上遇到事情的發展，我也不知道。姊妹們，是不是該是時候思考這件事情的重要性了呢？

以上。

我要來去播下新的種子，並且期待下次的收割能提供更多智慧的反思。

久違了，青春！

我其實已經想不起來，我們到底是怎麼變熟的了！命中註定的把我們安排在同一班，時間偷偷的把我的害羞都走，花了兩年的時間我們變成沒有形象的朋友。

當化學鍵組成的距離和方向不對時，能夠接上的機會就變得更少！高中的我們說起來也不過就是，自願地走入社交沙漠，讓話都說不好的習慣成為不經腦袋的自然。跟現在的我所處的環境完全天壤之別，每天都要有計劃動頭腦的社交，正因為這樣，他們也才能經由另一套系統習慣成自然地信手捻來皆話題吧！過去兩個禮拜在德文課中，已經默默地感覺到我和其他亞洲人的不同，我不知道是好是壞，但我漸漸懂了，原來人與人之間的相處，就是這麼回事！如果你沒有主動親近，那麼別人也不會來的。

社交是一種，能帶你回到青澀青春的時候，大家怯生生的開了口，卻半掩著心的感覺。剛來的時候比起來，我真的進步了，那種尷尬的場面也變少了。身為可憐隻身留學生，學會和各種不同的人打交道真的很重要，算是生存必殺技之一吧！雖然這些來來去去的人很難真的成為好朋友，但是聽到別人的故事的同時也得到的無比的新鮮感啊！不知道是不是因為這樣，在不知道不覺之下我才會蒐集到一群莫名的朋友。短期內一起生活一起旅遊一起抱怨，明年同一時間就人離去新人到來，一切從頭。雖然看似相同，但心胸更開放了！

每天醒來還是習慣看看訊息，就算沒有新事，也有一種我會好多語言的爽感！呵呵！當有朋友在世界各地，從意想不到的時間沒有見過的世界角落捎來訊息，一天就能愉快的開始了！然後我們忘記時差的聊天，彷彿日夜、時空距離都算不了什麼了。

不，我還是去睡了吧！早安，台灣、日本。晚安，印尼、德國。

奧運 五輪 Olympic Olympia

前幾天奧運就這樣如火如荼的開張了，雖然我是因為BBC都在報導才發現奧運悄悄地來了（我想看新聞，不是奧運消息齁！

然後我突然發現一件很有趣的事情，就是我的動態裡面有各方報導啊！！！

中文日文英文德文！好妙！

雖然我不想承認我沒有一種語言可以說得好＝＝

網球加油啊！可能也只能每天follow scoreboard

繼續和實習奮戰三個星期，保佑我平安順利的度過！那就是我人生一面功不可沒的金牌了！

不是我臭美，希望只是過度敏感！

最近上車找座位或者等車的時候都特別疑神疑鬼，小心翼翼地觀察旁邊。實在是有點小題大做了，但是只要能稍微避免以下狀況的事情，我都願意做。

可能已經是上個月了，星期三德文下課後，照常坐著擁擠的公車回到總站，再心不在焉的走到電車站去等待身負重任的電車，因為錯過這一班，我就坐不到最後一班到家的公車了！（別問我是不是要轉兩次車才能到家這麼傷心的問題＝＝）

正當我累得不像話卻還下意識地拿出手機看訊息的時候，有個亞洲臉朝我這個方向走來，直直的走到正面對我的地方停下。咦？旁邊都沒有人為何一定要站我前面？正當我疑惑地抬起頭，聽到他說：「we've met last week!」

ㄜ ... 我知道你是我一個認識的朋友的德文課的同學......但...ㄜ...
雖然默默地受到驚嚇，還是勉強打起精神來跟他聊了一下。隔天依然不以為意地去坐車，又有一個中國人狂盯著我看，好像又要走過來跟我講話的樣子。
實在不是我人很差或者很難相處，但是半路認人也太恐怖了吧！這件事情在正常狀況下事會發生的嗎？在來到這裡之前我也從來沒有在路上跟人家說，我們是不是認識來搭訕別人的啊＝ ＝

自從在電車站莫名其妙的被中國人搭訕之後，我停下來之前都會先稍微觀察一下旁邊的人，避免再次受到驚嚇！！

接著有一次，坐在靠窗的座位上，兩個人前前後後上車。喵了前面那位一眼便繼續望向窗外，只想著司機怎麼不快點開。這時椅子突然動了一下，我轉過頭，看到後面那位原來是我認識的人，跟他隨手打了招呼，然後椅子又動了一下。原來前面那位仁兄，放著後面一堆空位不坐，跑來坐我旁邊？！但身為朋友（吧我想）的他看到他的朋友跟我打招呼，就自己跑去後面做，把我旁邊的位置讓給後面那位。買尬，這一切到底是在衝蝦毀！

然後就在剛剛，沒錯就是剛剛，我出去倒實在是臭死人的垃圾。遠遠地看到兩個人從垃圾場方向走出來，我也沒有多看直接走過。拿著我一個禮拜的廚餘去外年廚餘桶放生，還差點沒被熏死。（不是我在說，真的噁心到炸掉嚇死人）我帶著做惡得渾身臭氣，懊悔怎麼沒有憋氣還停這麼久，心有不甘地往回走。看到那兩位還停在一個交叉點上，原本以為他們要回不同棟宿舍只是三姑六婆說不完。我走近才發現不對勁，兩個人有距離的面對面，只留一個窄道讓我走。對面那位手上舉著一個東西，看起來像是手機。是在拍照嗎？對著垃圾場方向？實在是太詭異了。我下意識地把頭轉到背對鏡頭的方向，從他身後走過，卻沒沒聽到惋惜聲！

幹，希望只是我過度敏感或是聽錯看錯，沒有要臭美的意思，可以不要這麼恐怖嗎各位！我沒有甚麼針對種族的意思，但上面兩個故事主角都是黑男（但我不知道是不是同一個人）。

買尬＝＝ 對於亞洲人和黑人有種莫名的creepy感＝＝

突然覺得我今天整路上都在罵別人跨蝦毀只是種簡單的自我防衛！！

the world is going wild